Football season has finally begun, and unlike previous seasons, I'll be catching the games with the fellas instead of with the random strangers at the Ale House. Excited? Well, at first I was. I was super stoked to have been voted into the Football Club until I walked up to the house that looked as if it had been built by The Little Rascals. Why didn't anyone warn me that my (very) female presence would not be welcomed into the He Man Woman Haters Club? It seemed like no matter what I did, the boys continuously reminded me that I didn't fit in. But where am I supposed to go? Afterall, this is my boyfriend's house. Okay -- so I wasn't technically voted into the club, I got in by default. Weaseled myself in, if you will. But I refuse to leave and I'm standing tall in my six inch Yves Saint Laurent's and shouting from the mountain tops that: "WE WOMEN CAN KICK IT LIKE THE GUYS!". Unfortunately, I tripped after announcing this, so, of course, no one took me seriously. Note to self: A lady must always count her steps when she's wearing heels she cannot walk in. I then tried to think of what else I could do to be accepted into this
cult group. I knew that I couldn't profess "WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS!", as well as Beyonce. In fact, I probably will never be able to fly in dancers from Africa and have them teach my backup dancers (who are the best dancers in the world) a routine to get my point across. But I'm too content and confident in my bedazzled Jersey and pink tutu to walk away leaving my pride behind for the guys to eat (what? they eat everything). And after almost three weeks in, I'm proud to announce that the fellas officially love me. And even though they still haven't openly admitted it, (due to their don't ask, don't tell policy), I just know, that this house and season wouldn't be the same without me. I stood strong on my femininity and created this short list of "Female Football Etiquette", that'll be sure to make you camouflage in any testosterone-filled jungle, pink polish and all. COOK SOMETHING SLOPPY & MANLY
That's right ladies. Skip cute and fancy
and make something that screams "I'M A MON!"
(no typos there). While cooking for the guys add tons of spices and have an unbelievable amount of condiments for endless double dipping. These meals shouldn't be worthy of being Instagrammed or Pinterested (did I really just try to use that as a verb?). In fact, they should be all over the place -- unappealing to the eye but tasty to the mouth. Fit in with the fellas by keeping their belly's full. Men like their foods like they love their game console controllers: handheld and easy to navigate
. If your man can't devour it in .56481 seconds, forget about it. Oh, and the key to a juicy burger is to not beat the meat too much before cooking it. Doing so will squeeze out a lot of the juices, causing it to be tough and dry. Be gentle with it so it won't seek revenge by chipping your man's tooth later.KEEP THE CHIP BAG FULL AND THE DRINKS COLD
Bored and bothered that your beau
is looking past you as if you're not even in the room? Show him that you can do the same & keep busy by keeping the chip bag full and the drinks cold. But always remember to nnneeevvvveeerrr block the screen or else you'll risk getting thrown out of the house, like Jazz.DON'T TRY TO HAVE A SERIOUS CONVERSATION
Now is not the time. Game day is not the day to pick a fight or to have a serious conversation. Although your man is far from being an NFL pro, he doesn't know that he isn't playing in tonight's game, and trust me when I say: you don't be the one to break the news to him
. Football is his fantasy life -- where you're no longer his girlfriend/wife, but instead a water girl. Every minute leading up to the game is a minute where he is clearing his mind, suiting up, and hitting the field. It may not be make sense to you, but just know, that it makes a whole lot of sense to him. Walk away slowly.DON'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies. He doesn't like when you ask questions on a good day--- so what makes you think that he'll like when you ask on a game day? Refrain from any questions to save yourself headache in the future. Have a question? Secretly Google the answer on your handy dandy mobile device and keep it moving. Respecting him during the season is the way to his heart. If you are a nuisance during the game chances are your membership from the Football Club will be revoked.DON'T BABY HIM
I know he looks so cute in his jersey and matching socks. And I know that it's so cute seeing him in the zone with the guys, all knowledgeable and controlling. But now is not the time to make baby noises at him or to rub his back and head. Because when you're
not around, his friends are laughing at him and making jokes. And it's a domino effect from there. They pick on him now, you suffer for it, later.DON'T TRY TO CUDDLE
Don't forget, game time is MON'LY
time. Don't try to cuddle with him unless his name is Snuggles or unless he invites you to cuddle. (Yes ladies, 1 in 837412652323147897 men actually ask their women to cuddle with them while watching men in tights run across fields of grass). Need some TLC, embrace a pillow.. and kiss it when no one's looking.DON'T SPEAK IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
I'm notorious for this! I use game terminology that I have no clue how to use and I use it in all of the wrong places, hoping that they work. But instead of being corrected, I only get blank stares followed by the guys going back to watching the game. When I do this, I reconfirm the fact that I shouldn't be there. I'm already not welcomed in my own home, but in this situation I'm ironically overstaying my welcome. Modern Girl Tip: Log into twitter, type in the name of the team in the search, and watch the live feed. Don't know what's going on? Consider that your cheat sheet and feel free to blurt out what "FootballFanFoLyfe7163" is tweeting.ROOT FOR HIS FAVORITE TEAM
You may not know what is going on! But that doesn't mean you can't wear the colors and show your man that you have his back. Again, he thinks that he is on the field, so please play along. Cheer when he cheers -- but do so, modestly.LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT THE TEAM OR THE GAME BEFORE HAND
Read articles that are being written before the game so that you can have a basic idea of what will be going on, some of the major highlights from previous games, and some of the players to look out for. Have a little football talk before the game (two sentences max) to show him that you know a little something about the big night. And do so nonchalantly as if this is an every day thing for you. Don't hate the playa', hate the game.
Can't relate and actually know all that there is to know about sports? Check out Blitz & Glam
, you'll love it there - even I do!
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